June 1  Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddy's, and kids with fake IDs

June 2  Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

June 3  You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.

June 4  Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.

June 5  If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

June 6  To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!

June 7  I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.

June 8  I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.

June 9  Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leah and as smart as Yoda

June 10  Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumps Ville. Population: you.

June 11  Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night

June 12  Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

June 13  Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

June 14  Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

June 15  Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?

June 16  We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?

June 17  Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!

June 18  Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.

June 19  If you don't like your job, you don't strike. You just go in everyday and do it really half-assed. That's the American Way.

June 20  Asleep at the switch? I wasn't asleep, I was drunk!

June 21  This ticket doesn't just give me a seat. It also gives me the right, no, the duty to make a complete ass of myself.

June 22  Dear somebody you never heard of, how is so-and-so. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Yours truly, some Bozo.

June 23  You jive turkey. See you've got to sass it. Quit jivin' me turkey. You've got to sass it. A turkey is a bad person.

June 24  Give me my dignity. I just came here to see 'Honk if you're horny' in peace.

June 25  Now, what is a wedding? Well, Webster's Dictionary describes a wedding as the process of removing weeds from one's garden.

June 26  Vampires are make believe. Just like Elves, Gremlins, and Eskimos.

June 27  Crying isn't going to bring the dog back ... unless your tears smell like dog food. Maybe if you ate a lot of dog food, your tears would start to smell like dog food. So you can sit here and eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food so it brings the dog back, or you can go out and find him

June 28  Remember, son, the trick to avoiding jury duty is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

June 29  Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.

June 30  Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one!

July 1  When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.

July 2  Be quiet, Brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip

July 3  If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, its that girls should stick to girl's sports, such as hot oil wrestling foxy boxy and such and such

July 4  Whoooa, that's hot.  There isn't a man alive who wouldn't get turned on by that. Well, goodbye!

July 5  Hey there, Blimpy Boy, flying through the sky so fancy  free..

July 6  Mmmm, free goo!

July 7  The girls of the internet. Ooh, I'd go online with them any day

July 8  A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.

July 9  Marge, send the kids to the neighbors, I'm going to Moe's and coming back loaded.

July 10  Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.

July 11  You can't depend on me all your life. You have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us.

July 12  When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

July 13  Now, remember! As far as anyone knows, we're a nice, normal family.

July 14  The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do.

July 15  And there's nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned.

July 16  Operator, give me the number for 911!

July 17  And Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which is just a pipe dream.

July 18  Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves! 

July 19  You heard me, I won't be in for the rest of the week. ... I told you! My baby beat me up! ... No, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought up.

July 20  Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die.

July 21  Dear God, just give me one channel!

July 22  Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons, and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.

July 23  Hey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

July 24  Marge, I can't wear a pink shirt to work. Everybody wears white shirts. I'm not popular enough to be different...

July 25  Oh, Marge, cartoons don't have any deep meaning. They're just stupid drawings that give you a cheap laugh.

July 26  Yeah, you know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

July 27  No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you.

July 28  If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing!

July 29  If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.

July 30  Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and... um... Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!

July 31  If you're going to get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things!

August 1  It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

August 2  Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.

August 3  Don't worry, Marge. America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well, all of Europe, but you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!

August 4  Donuts...is there anything they CAN'T do?

August 5  All right brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you. But let's just get me through this, and I can get back to killing you with beer. 

August 6  Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.

August 7  Oh, Lisa, you and your stories. "Bart is a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now let's go back to that...building...thingy, where our beds and TV...is.

August 8  Kill my boss? Do I dare to live out the American dream?

August 9  Aw, people can come up with statistics to prove anything.  14 percent of all people know that.

August 10  Aw, Dad. You've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man now, and old people are useless.

August 11  Ah, TV respects me. It laughs with me, not at me!

August 12  $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

August 13  Marge, I agree with you -- in theory. In theory, communism works. In theory.

August 14  Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

August 15  In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women...

August 16  Marge, please, old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

August 17  Come on, Marge, I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic malls. I'm sick of eating hoagies. I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero...I want to live, Marge! Won't you let me live?

August 18  I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.

August 19  The information superhighway showed the average person what some nerd thinks about Star Trek.

August 20  Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think all the time. Just like that rainforest scare a few years back, our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn't they?

August 21  Kids, kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers.

August 22  Marge, you being a cop makes you the man...which makes me the woman. I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing

August 23  Forty seconds? But I want it now!

August 24  All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.

August 25  "To Start Press Any Key". Where's the ANY key? I see Esk, Catarl, and Pig-Up. There doesn't seem to be any ANY key. Woo! All this computer hacking is making me thirsty. I think I'll order a TAB.

August 26  The slim lazy Homer you knew is dead. Now I'm a big fat dynamo! And where's that cake?  

August 27  Well, I'm tired of being a wannabe league bowler. I wanna be a league bowler!  

August 28  What's the point of going out? We're just gonna wind up back here anyway.

August 29  I guess some people never change. Or, they quickly change and then quickly change back.

August 30  Pftt... Rules. I'm a rocker, I don't care for rules.

August 31  Oh, Marge. I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.

September 1  I hope I didn't brain my damage.

September 2  Well of course, everything looks bad if you remember it.

September 3  Ooh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man from Happyland, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane! Oh, by the way: I was being sarcastic.

September 4  Your mother seems really upset about something. I better go have a talk with her -- during the commercial.

September 5  You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.

September 6  Oh, honey, you're not the world's worst mother. What about that freezer lady in Georgia?

September 7  I hope you learned your lesson, Lisa. Never help anyone.

September 8  I don't have to be careful. I got a gun.

September 9  Hello, son. I wanna apologize. I just got so caught up trying to encourage you I was blinded to your stinky performance. If you forgive me I promise I'll never encourage you again.

September 10  Facts are meaningless, you can use facts to prove anything that's remotely true!

September 11  Trying is the first step towards failure.

September 12  My campaign is a disaster, Moe. I hate the public so much. If only they'd elect me, I'd make them pay.

September 13  If you really need money, you can sell your kidney or even your car.

September 14  Stupid risks make life worth living.

September 15  The sun? That's the hottest place on Earth.

September 16  Good drink... good meat... good God, let's eat!

September 17  Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat...

September 18  Homer no function beer well without.

September 19  Ah, beer, my one weakness. My Achille's heel, if you will.

September 20  Ah, the college road trip. What better way to spread beer-fueled mayhem?

September 21  All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.

September 22  And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

September 23  Awww, 20 dollars?!? I wanted a peanut.

September 24  Bart, you're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!

September 25  "Dear Homer, IOU one emergency donut. Signed Homer." Bastard! He's always one step ahead.

September 26  Do I know what rhetorical means?

September 27  Do you want to change your name to Homer, Jr.? The kids can call you Hoju!

September 28  Does whisky count as beer?