The Wide World of News
A Charles Foster Kane Media International
Publication
December 2, 2003
First Episode of New Paris Hilton Show Guarantees the Best Reality Series Ever!
Question of the Day
Massachusetts Supreme Court Allows for Gay Marriage. What's
Next? "Equal Rights" for Women?
Practical Joke: Un-conjoined Twins Conjoined During Hilarious 13 Hour
Surgery
U.S. State Department Officially Suggests Caution if Vacationing in Iraq
Single Parent Squirrel Households Last to Benefit from Economic
Recovery
War Casualty Figures Report that 13 American Troops, So Far,
Have Died of Suicide "Freedom-i-cide"
Developing Story:
Michael Jackson Arrested for Something. Details Sketchy.
Media Unwilling to Speculate.
Bush's Surprise Thanksgiving Day Photo-Op
"Visit" to Iraq Discovered to be a Hoax
For
a Few Days the secret Thanksgiving visit by President George Bush to
the troops in Iraq was heralded as the ultimate act of valor, bravery,
and respect for our armed forces. However, a closer inspection of
the photographs taken at the "event" indicate that the
Presidential visit actually took place on the soundstage in Nevada where
NASA faked the 1969 moon landings.
After discovery of the fraud was made public, the administration was quick to comment that Bush was not aware of the deception and continues to believe that he spent Thanksgiving in Iraq. "I ate turkey-day with a man in a soldier suit!" said the jet lagged and sleepy Bush upon returning to Washington from what we now know was Nevada. As he drifted off for his after-dinner nap Bush mumbled, "Those brave army guys sure are doing good killing for me in that desert place."
In a related story, the president's double, played by former Saturday Night Live comedian Will Ferrell, was sent to eat Thanksgiving dinner "in character" with the troops. Ferrell was unfortunately murdered by Mujah Hadeen rebels who quickly dismembered his body and paraded it through the Hussein loyalist city of Tikrit.
Scott Peterson Asks to be Excused During Autopsy Testimony; Said to be Uncomfortable Reliving the Murder Again
"Been
there, seen that"
said accused double murderer Scott Peterson as the prosecution
introduced new autopsy photos of the butchered remains of Laci Peterson
and her unborn baby Conner. Peterson then asked the Judge if he
could be excused during the presentation. Peterson spent the
time in an adjacent room trying to convince former lover and future
witness for the prosecution Amber Frey to give him "a quickie"
while the medical examiner detailed the gruesome deaths of his wife Laci and
unborn son Conner.
As the preliminary hearing concluded, Detective Jon Buehler reminded
the court once again that when Peterson was arrested on April 18, his car was loaded with camping
gear -- including rope, an ax, folding knives, a hammock, a water purifier and a fishing pole.
Peterson had sold his house, grown a beard and dyed his hair and beard
to match. Peterson also had $15,000 cash, four cell phones and his brother's driver's license, he testified.
During cross-examination, defense lawyer Mark Geragos suggested Peterson intended to use his brother's driver's license to get a discount at a golf course.
The cell phones were to be used to answer the Wacky ZROC Radio Morning
Call-in Trivia Question. After he got through to the station he
was informed that the contest was a scavenger hunt. He then proceeded
to collect the required items, which included: camping gear, a bloody rope,
a bloody ax, bloody folding knives, a bloody hammock, a water purifier and a fishing pole.
Finally, the hair dye and beard were part of a prank that the radio
D.J.'s, Izzy and Gareth, forced him to do to win the prize money (which
totaled $15,000). As a final humiliation, Izzy tricked Peterson
into trading his house to Gareth for a set of old golf clubs.
TV's Superman Dean Cain will play Scott Peterson in the upcoming TV movie adaptation (expected Spring, 2004). Conservative pundit Tucker Carlson has already branded the CBS drama "misleading" and claims that it casts the murderer Peterson in a disparaging light.
McDonalds New 'Health Conscious' Menu Items Don't Seem to Be Working
Fast food chain McDonalds is
confused by the apparent failure of it's new "McHealthy
Lifestyle" menu items. After a slew of lawsuits were filed
against the popular restaurant for causing obesity and health problems in children,
McDonalds added new health conscious items. The new items include
the McSalad-Lite, McRice-Cakes, and the McSlim McFaster Drinking
Product. Strangely, these items are not as popular with kids as
the traditional Happy Meal.
Even when the new items are purchased, weight and health concerns persist. "My boy ate-up 13 of them McSalad-Lites, 32 McRice-Cakes and the 387oz McSlim McFaster, and he's still as fat as ever!" wept one concerned parent. "I jus' don't know why McDonalds is tryin' to kill my baby."
"Children are our most important commodity... I mean exploited population... I meant to say customers... " said McPresident and McCEO Charles Bell. "They're also our future minimum wage labor force! Why would we want to hurt them?"
As a new item added to its standard menu next week, McDonalds is introducing the $2 Cat in the Hat Deep Butter Fried Bacon Sugar Cheese Triple Big Mac Attack. The new sandwich is expected to be very popular with its target audience.