The Wide World of News
A Charles Foster Kane Media International Publication

June 28, 2003

Question of the Day

The Metal Storm.  Newly Developed Gun Fires One Million Rounds of Ammunition a Minute!  Can World Peace be Far Behind?

Strom Thurmond 1902 - 2003
Crosses Burned at Half Mast to Honor Senator's First Day in Hell 

Hilarious New Pox Keeps Late Night Audiences in Stitches

Family of Abandoned, Neglected, Forgotten, Dismissed, Homeless, Poverty Stricken, Accident Victim Outraged Over His Death

Supreme Court Rules in Favor of Compulsory Sodomy for Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum

Bush Accidentally Presents Wrong Road Map at Middle East Peace Summit

During their pointless attempt at peace in the Middle East earlier this month,  Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and his Palestinian counterpart, leader Mahmoud Abbas, met with U.S. President George Bush to formally accept his celebrated "Road Map to Peace."  Unfortunately the hung over and jet-lagged Bush inadvertently handed out the "Road Map to War."  

As per the instructions provided by Bush in "The Road Map" Israeli military Black Hawk helicopters began strafing Palestinian refugee communities throughout the West Bank town of Hebron two days after the conclusion of the summit.

In retaliation, Palestinian women and children, directed by Abbas and following the course laid out in his copy of  "The Road Map,"  strapped on suicide bombs and blew up a crowded bus in the Israeli coastal city of Haifa.

Realizing his error only recently, Bush has sent the correct maps to Sharon and Abbas along with his sincere apologies, best wishes and hopes for peace in the new year. 

Unfortunately Feeler may never get the chance to increase his monthly sales figures.  The federal government, on Friday, launched a national "do-not-call" registry aimed at stopping most telemarketing phone calls to people who regard the sales pitches as invasive and want them blocked. Officials said they expect 60 million people to register eventually. 

Tele-marketing companies expect to cut at least 2 million jobs when the registry goes into effect in October.  "This is the first job I was really good at,"  said Derek 'Pig Sticker' Reed.  "First they lock me up in here with four concurrent life sentences for slicing up that cop and his family while they slept in their fancy cop house and now The Man is takin this away from me too!  Damn!"

Fortunately Nike has offered to shift production from some of its tennis and basketball shoe facilities in Malaysia to select prisons back in the U.S.  "We want to get America working again." said Nike CEO Philip Knight.  "Unlike those lazy ungrateful money grubbing Asian children who demanded 42 cents an hour last year, these cons will work for 37 cents a day!  Now that's a labor market I want to be in business with!"

Rowland is not the only child swept up by the excitement of the game.  Since the cards were introduced in the United States in March 2002, more than 412,000 kids have registered nationwide to play in Yu-Gi-Oh leagues.  

When she's not watching the Yu-Gi-Oh cartoon on TV or battling with her opponents Madelyn spends time on line at the downtown plasma bank with her friends trying to raise cash for more cards.  "I got a decent number of Monster cards and Magic cards but I really need to hustle-up more Trap cards if I'm gonna do any serious damage." says Rowland.  "This boy I know just scored a complete Kaiba deck.  I might have to pawn that U.S. Mint Quarters of the 50 States Collection Grandma and Grandpa gave me for Christmas.  How much do you think I can get for it?"