The Wide World of News
A Charles Foster Kane Media International Publication

January 23, 2003

Question of the Day

How Much is Too Much Heroin?

Suicidal Teen Used Misleading Emoticons to Hide True Feelings 

Giant Tooth Pick Statue Not Attracting Anticipated Flood of Tourist Dollars

Segway Ramps to be Mandatory in all Public Facilities by End of 2003!

Anti-War Protests Spell Disaster for 1970's Super Group War ; Spring Comeback Tour Cancelled

Apparently Everything Supports Terrorism in One Way or Another  
SUV's and illegal drugs support terrorism.   Recent television commercials have demonstrated this beyond a shadow of a doubt.  Unknown to many Americans however, is the fact that we are sponsoring terrorism in numerous other ways as well.  Do you drink coffee?  Then you sustain terrorism.  Have you ever gone swimming?  You are supporting terror.  Do you watch game shows?  Then why don't you just go blow up a building?  A recent survey of 16 people demonstrated that 84% of everything we do somehow contributes to the ever growing threat of terrorism.    

National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice informed a friend after her aerobics class that "even the most innocent purchase can in some way support terrorist activities."  She then cited as her example that the doughnut she was eating was "made from sugar grown in the Caribbean which was then shipped to the United States by a freight company that is owned by a man who bought tickets to a Barbara Streisand concert the night before last.  Barbara then donated a portion of the proceeds from the concert to the Anti-Defamation League which sent money to Israel."  

The campaign against terror requires that we all take a close look at how we are living our lives but some citizens remain selfish.  "What can I do?" stated a frenzied man in line at the grocery store.  "I don't want to be a terrorist, but my baby needs this medicine to live?"  

Even Hollywood is guilty of inadvertently feeding the terror machine.  For example, screen legend Kevin Bacon was in the movie A few Good Men with Tom Cruise who played an uncredited role in the movie Young Guns with Keifer Sutherland who is the son of Donald Sutherland who has the same first name as U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld who once met and shook hands with Osama bin Laden.

Psychotic Pro-Life Rapists Rejoice Over Possibility of Roe v. Wade Reversal
With Republicans in control of both houses of Congress and Liberal Supreme Court Justices preparing to step down or die of old age, the chances for legislation limiting or banning abortion have increased.  The right to choose, which women have briefly enjoyed for the last 30 years, will soon be over.  Street doctors everywhere are sharpening their metal clothes hangers and getting ready to reap the benefits of our brave new old fashioned world.  

One group especially pleased with the idea of restricting women's rights are psychotic stranger rapists.   "When I grab a 12 year old girl and drag her into an alley to give her my gift, I expect her to live up to her responsibilities and love our child!"  said Johnny Con, a three times charged, one time convicted serial rapist.  "My children should be permitted to live and the "rights" of my victim should not be allowed to interfere with the rights of our offspring!"

A senior resident doctor, at Our Lady of Sister Mercy General Hospital, explained that it would be easier to deal with potentially fatal complications resulting from pregnancy.  "Now that the women have no choice, it's easier to tell them that they will certainly die an excruciating death sometime during the pregnancy or birthing process."

Roone Delgata of Hickton, Arkansas is probably happier than most because he's wanted a new baby in the house ever since he lost his wife. His teenage daughters, however, have always threatened that they would "abort" his attempts to keep his seed in the family.  "Them girls ain't gonna have no choice now.  They can't stay awake forever.  I'm gonna make me a baby boy like I always wanted!"

In an attempt to cut off the oncoming flood of rape-induced pregnancies, police have started passing out condoms to rapists as they are released from prison.  Even this simple preventative act is apparently an "abomination in the eye of God's chosen fetal lifeguards" said the Right to Life Committee's legislative director, Douglas Johnson.

Jeff White, of Operation Rescue-California reminded listeners at a recent Pro-Life rally to "Don't just think of all the babies that will get to live, think about all the abortion doctors that we won't have to kill!"  White then presented his  surveillance photos of local  "baby butchers" and invited attendee's to pledge a dollar for every one he "sends to Hell."