The Wide World of News
A Charles Foster Kane Media International Publication

January 6, 2003

Question of the Day

Is Pretending to Care About a Child Just as Good as Really Caring?

Chipmunk Drug Abuse Studies Offer Little Scientific Value

Rev. Al Sharpton adds his name to the "Not a Chance in Hell" Ticket for the 2004 Presidential elections

Old Man Doing Handstand Fails to Impress Infant

New Area Furniture Store Advertises Grand Opening Going Out of Business Sale! This Week Only!

A Special Wide World of News 
Happy Birthday to Thimbleberry Larry!  

North Korea Holds Entire World Hostage While United Nations Weapons Inspectors Continue to Search and Find Nothing in Iraq

"North Korea will not be ignored." said North Korean leader Kim Jong-il in a bold and gutsy statement to the Associated Press at the foreign correspondents brunch on Monday.  " We got nuclear weapons now and we're ready to start blowing stuff up!"  Jong-il, a "regular" at the AP newswire late breakfast gatherings also commended the "delicate hand" and "culinary artistry" of the crepe chef over by the dessert table. 

North Korea intends to use it's newly acquired secret nuclear arsenal to conquer the world unless it's demands are met.  The list of demands supplied by Pyongyang media is extensive and elaborate in it's requirements.

"First of all, and I want to make this perfectly clear...," said Jong-il,  "..in Korea, 'Kim' is a boy's name too!  I will no longer tolerate snickering from the West."  

Some of North Korea's remaining demands include:

• North Korea will now and forever be known as "The" Korea.

• Olympic basketball rims will be lowered to 4.2 feet.

• Korean rap artists will be respected or at least acknowledged.

• The Soviet Union will restore itself to it's original pre-collapse configuration and resume it's happy friendship with North Korea.

• Winona Ryder criminal record will be expunged immediately.

• Halloween will happen twice a year.

• All non-North Korean countries will immediately disarm and destroy their own nuclear arsenals.

• Al Pacino's Scent of a Woman Oscar will be rescinded.

• All episodes of the hit TV show M*A*S*H are to be destroyed by the first of next year.

• All non-North Koreans will be required to have a  remote detonated nano-tech nuclear device surgically placed in their left forearms (individuals without arms will be found guilty of non-compliance and forced to work as human bowling pins for President Kim Jong-il's Sunday afternoon tea parties.)

St. Johns, Michigan resident and recent Raelian convert, Jeff Rowland said, "The way I figure is that if he done got himself a clone then he gotta be worshipped.  I went an saw that there new Star Wars movie at the shoppin mall and them clones'll put a hurt on you what you ain't on their side an all."  Rowland then genuflected, whispered the name "Rael", stepped on a packet of soup crackers, and tore out 3 of his eyelashes.

Scientists have scoffed at the notion that the Raelian Clonaid labs have actually produced a successful human clone.  "Rael is not a God"  said Dr. Josef Mengele at the Frito Lay Clone-yuns Factory in Sao Paulo Brazil.  "He is a menace to the industry, a disgrace, and will no doubt be exposed as a fraudulent deity."

Regardless of the bad press and the reluctance to allow DNA tests to prove that the unholy infant demon "Eve" is actually a clone, millions of people world wide have already sworn undying allegiance to Rael.  "I was a Catholic" said recently disgraced Boston Archbishop Cardinal Bernard Law, "But Raelianism offers more of the freedoms that I require of my faith.  For example I have already ordered a young clone of myself and my new faith allows me to sodomize it at will and without penalty.  Hell!  They encourage it!"  

Other Christian faiths have also adopted the Raelian doctrine.  "We've been waiting 2000 freakin' years for His return," said Pat Robertson of CBN.  "Nobody really thinks it's gonna happen anyway and now I can get me a clone!"

The entire Jewish and Muslim religions have abandoned their faith as well and have already begun assembling their own Raelian clone armies. When reminded by Rael that Raelianism promotes only non-military happy uses for clones the recent converts explained that the armies would only serve as an "expendable labor source and perhaps cosmetic testing." 

In opposition to the new religious world order, the Amish have chosen to retain their original faith and continue cloning using the "traditional inbreeding method."