The Wide World of News
Comprehensive Homeland Security Advisory System
If you know me at all I'm sure that one of the things you admire most is my undying, unquestionable and unspeakable love of flag and country. The United States is, I'm sure you'll agree, the greatest Nation in the history of the world...ever! Because it is our moral, religious, and fiscal obligation to lord over the other "children" countries of the Earth, we now have need for a Homeland Security Advisory System. Apparently some countries do not recognize our greatness and are foolishly trying to attack us. In recent days it has been announced that all three Axis of Evil countries have or supposedly have a nuclear arsenal aimed directly at The United States of America. The Advisory System released by the Homeland Security Department was created prior to these recent intelligence reports. A simple 5 level warning system is no longer viable. The Wide World of News is not going to let anything happen to you. Our staff has watched 1000's of hours of CNN News and from this research compiled a list of new terror alert level preparedness categories that the American public must abide to guarantee future existence. It's us or them people! Lets be alert!
Editor- The Wide World of News
| Terror Attack Threat Level | Threat Description |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Actinium: | Person of Middle Eastern descent within 14 meters |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Mendelevium: | Any unusual smell detected (Biological Weapon Attack) |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Aluminum: | Weapon of Mass Destruction seen flying overhead |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Mercury: | Rainy weather |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Americium: | Last Poptart in the box has been eaten, possibly by terrorist |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Californium: | Favorite TV show is a rerun despite TV Guide’s claim that it would be an “all new” episode |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Antimony: | Startled by loud noise |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Neilsborium: | Your house is under terrorist attack |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Argon: | 9:11am and 9:11pm daily |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Neodymium: | Stranger at airport talks to you |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Hafnium: | Photographer at Olde Tyme Foto Shoppe hands you Elizabethan hat to wear with obviously Victorian outfit |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Neon: | TV News reports “no terrorist activity” |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Arsenic: | Cat and dog witnessed playing together |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Samarium: | Warned by time traveler from other dimension that you will be the victim of terrorism |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Astatine: | Person of Middle Eastern descent within 10 meters |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Neptunium: | Email received from unknown source |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Barium: | Classic black and white movie colorized |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Sodium: | Person with gun hands you a shovel and says “start digging” |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Nickel: | Your hemisphere is under terrorist attack |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Berkelium: | Any type of “festival” in vicinity |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Polonium: | Local police arrive with less urgency after repeated prank phone calls to 911 |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Niobium: | Person of Middle Eastern descent within 5 meters |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Beryllium: | Nuclear weapon attack |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Nitrogen: | Earth slips from orbit |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Bismuth: | Christmas present sounds like sweater when box is shaken |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Nobelium: | Poor water pressure |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Boron: | Someone has just knocked on the door of your house |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Bromine: | A person claiming to be a “mailman” is delivering envelopes and parcels to your house |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Oxygen: | Pizza is delivered faster than promised |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Cadmium: | Teenagers at mall make eye contact with you |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Hahnium: | The woman named “mom” at the American Flag Apple Pie store doesn’t look American |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Palladium: | Airplanes nearby |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Calcium: | Iraq does something “evil” |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Phosphorus: | Neighbor seen building bomb in garage |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Molybdenum: | Parent raves about how smart their "infant" is |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Carbon: | Any country other than the United States has any weapon of any kind |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Platinum: | Exciting novel has weak conclusion |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Plutonium: | Your city is under terrorist attack |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Cerium: | Person in front of you in line at gun store uses the word “terrorist” |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Potassium: | North Korea does something “evil” |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Chlorine: | Non European person attempts to display any type of “ethnic” pride |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Seaborgium: | Pet Seamonkeys refuse to allow you to inspect their facilities despite having previously signed a treaty |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Praseodymium: | Skin is glowing |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Chromium: | Person of Middle Eastern descent within 15 meters |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Promethium: | Telephone rings |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Cobalt: | Attractive person notices you exist |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Protactinium: | You see little elves everywhere but no one else seems to notice them |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Copper: | Everyone seems to be wearing gas masks |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Radium: | Local phone book reveals huge number of people with the same last name (ie Jones, Smith, Williams, Johnson, etc) |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Curium: | Seven Phantom Horsemen ride into town |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Radon: | Keys not where you thought you put them |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Dysprosium: | Restaurant serves food with a flower as a garnish |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Rhenium: | Saturday Night Live guest host obviously reading all lines from cue card off camera |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Rhodium: | Your township is under terrorist attack |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Erbium: | Post-apocalyptic “Road Warrior type” wasteland |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Rubidium: | You are assigned a new zip code |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Hassium: | World Leader uses the phrase “ethnic cleansing” more than 6 times in a single speech |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Europium: | Someone offers to “help” you with anything |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Ruthenium: | Sky filled with fire |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Cesium: | Chinese restaurant serves American cuisine as well as Chinese |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Fermium: | Religion being practiced nearby |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Flourine: | Water tastes funny |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Rutherfordium: | U.S. military forces deployed anywhere |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Osmian: | Osama Bin Laden seen at local supermarket buying cake frosting |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Francium: | Person is pointing a gun at you |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Scandium: | Iran does something “evil” |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Gadolinium: | Rolled dice produce an odd number 3 out of 4 times |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Selenium: | Person you are talking to claims to have no preference between McDonalds and Burger King |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Gallium: | Person of Middle Eastern descent within 20 meters |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Germanium: | Your state is under terrorist attack |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Silicon: | Person uses matches to create fire |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Einsteinium: | Any person named Terry who claims to be a florist |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Gold: | When the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Silver: | Gas detecting canary dies |
| Terror Attack Threat Level Strontium: | Person asks you for the time |
*List subject to grow as I become afraid of more things.
Future Unassigned Levels of Terror Attack Threat
Terror Attack Threat Level Sulfur:
Terror Attack Threat Level Helium:
Terror Attack Threat Level Tantalum:
Terror Attack Threat Level Holmium:
Terror Attack Threat Level Technetium:
Terror Attack Threat Level Hydrogen:
Terror Attack Threat Level Tellurium:
Terror Attack Threat Level Indium:
Terror Attack Threat Level Terbium:
Terror Attack Threat Level Iodine:
Terror Attack Threat Level Thalium:
Terror Attack Threat Level Iridium:
Terror Attack Threat Level Thorium:
Terror Attack Threat Level Iron:
Terror Attack Threat Level Thulium:
Terror Attack Threat Level Krypton:
Terror Attack Threat Level Tin:
Terror Attack Threat Level Lanthanum:
Terror Attack Threat Level Titanium:
Terror Attack Threat Level Lawrencium:
Terror Attack Threat Level Tungsten:
Terror Attack Threat Level Lead:
Terror Attack Threat Level Uranium:
Terror Attack Threat Level Lithium:
Terror Attack Threat Level Vanadium:
Terror Attack Threat Level Lutetium:
Terror Attack Threat Level Xenon:
Terror Attack Threat Level Magnesium:
Terror Attack Threat Level Ytterbium:
Terror Attack Threat Level Manganese:
Terror Attack Threat Level Yttrium:
Terror Attack Threat Level Meitnerium:
Terror Attack Threat Level Zinc:
Terror Attack Threat Level Zirconium: