The Wide World of News
A Charles Foster Kane Media International
Publication
December 04, 2002
Michael Jackson. Hilarious Pedophile or Dangerous Child Endangerer?
Question of the Day
Airport Security. Do We Really
Want to Live in a Society Where You Can't Sneak an Authentic Monkey Skull
Ashtray Through Customs?
2002 Global Nerd Unity Day Celebration Kicks Off With Genuine Solar Eclipse
An In Depth Investigation Into the High Stakes and Low Speed Risks of Professional Lawn Mower Racing
United Nations Weapons Inspector Leaps
From Van, Attempts to Assassinate Large Painting of Saddam Hussein
Dr. Lloyd Edward Wood, known to his colleagues as "Snappy,"
leapt from a UN motorcade earlier today and attacked a beautiful mural
of Saddam Hussein in downtown Baghdad. A horrified onlooker
captured this exclusive photo of Wood as he verbally assaulted the
picture before attempting to fire upon it. "He was
shouting like a madman," said one visibly shaken
observer. "He kept taunting the photo as if daring it to
defend itself."
After seven days of searching, weapons inspectors have yet to find any evidence of chemical or biological weapons, long-range missiles, or nuclear weapons capability. "They gotta be here somewhere!," screamed Wood as he waved his gun at the portrait. "They're all lying! I wanna go home! I hate it here."
Chief Weapons Inspector Hans Blix apologized for Wood's behavior in a statement after he finished his Hot Wings at Hooters Baghdad. "Dr. Wood has been instructed not to attack any more artwork for the duration of the inspections. I think we can all agree that this will solve the problem," said Blix.
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld was quoted as saying that the official U.S. position on the episode is that the work of art obviously "provoked the incident."
Winter Returns to the Northern States, Locals Begin Annual Celebration of Denial
The 6 to 8 month long season of Winter doesn't officially start until the 22nd of the month but folks in the North are already buried in a frigid layer of snow and ice. "I think it's lovely," said a 62 year old Michigan grandmother as she "accidentally" stirred a spoonful of rat poison into her coffee. "There's no place I'd rather be!"
"My favorite thing about the season is when the protective liquid that covers my eyeballs freezes and the snot dripping out of my nose instantly crystallizes," said a drunken motorist as he scraped the 3 inch layer of ice off his windshield before leaving for work.
"There's a kind of magic in the air," noted a consumer purchasing lengths of rope for her family at the local Home Depot. Other retail establishments are also reaping the benefits of the season. Sales of the just released Kurt Cobain Diaries are flying off the shelves at local bookstores. "It's the best kind of reading for this time of year," remarked Schuler Books Employee of the Month Mark Fisher. "When someone comes up to me weeping with despair I always recommend this book to help them through the harder months."