Alan's Totally Biased Movie Reviews
Hello precious reader,
On a recent trip to the North I had the chance to talk with some of ProjectAlan's most loyal fans. I have come to the conclusion that while some of you actually do read my movie reviews, no one takes me seriously because I tend to score every film I see with an "unreasonably" favorable evaluation. Although I have explained my scoring system in the past, I feel that my readership has now increased to the point where I am required to explicate again. The following is how I rate movies. It should enlighten as to why a silly film like Kill Bill could achieve a five + star ranking while a quality award winning documentary like American Splendor scores only three.
First of all, and this is most important to understand, I only go see movies that are of interest to me and that I know, with some advanced degree of certainty, I will like. For example, you will never read a review of the David Spade film Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star on my website. I hate David Spade and I will never watch his movie so I will never have the chance to give it the one or perhaps zero stars that it probably deserves. Unlike reviewers who offer their opinion of every new film that opens, I only watch what I want to watch and then grade it based on how much I enjoyed it. It is very rare that I give a film two stars or less. If I do, then that means the previews for the film tricked me into thinking I would like it. (See The Core)
Second, I don't rate films using 1/2 stars. I always round-up my rankings. If it's better than two stars it gets three and if it's better than three it gets four, and so on. 1/2 star rankings are a cop-out and a cowardly method of review.
Finally, and this is where I probably depart from all other reviewers, I use a genre and sub-genre based relativity for my reviews. All films are not to be judged by the same scale. Is Blade II as good as Citizen Kane? Of course not! But do you really think they should be graded using the same criteria? Of course not! That would be stupid. Citizen Kane is an classic epic masterpiece of Drama. Blade II is a modern supernatural vampire comic book action adventure. Both films are awesome and both exemplify five star achievements within their niche. If I were to use Citizen Kane or another film of its stature as the standard, as some idiot reviewers do, then every other movie in history (that is not Citizen Kane) would become a stupid one or two star waste of time. I hope this explanation has made my review system seem more rational.
I have gone through my past reviews and added outside scores from some other famous film critics so that you can have another opinion if you must. Roger Ebert reviews using a 4 star approach. TV Guide uses a 5 star system. Rolling Stone uses 5 stars. James Berardinelli's ReelViews uses 5 Stars. And The San Francisco Examiner uses 4 stars. If you don't trust me, feel free to abide by one of their often misguided critiques. I will include at least two or three of these "outside" scores in all future reviews.
Your third row center pal,
-Alan
Most people assume that I've seen just about every movie ever made. While I do waste an enormous amount of time watching movies, I can't really say I've seen em all! Below you will find my movie reviews.
(Go to "My
DVD Collection" for reviews of films I have on DVD.) 
Graded on a scale of 
to
(5 stars = perfect "Alan"
film)
Warning!!! I do reveal crucial plotlines and twists in some of my reviews. I will try to warn you if I do.
All Reviews I Action I Adult I Anime IComedy I Cult I Documentary I Drama I Family I Horror I Mocumentary I Musical I Mystery I Sci-Fi I Western