The Wide World of News
A Charles Foster Kane Media International
Publication
September 22, 2004
With No New Movie This Holiday Season, Lord of the Rings Fans Once Again Regarded as Freakish Nerds
Question of the Day
Are Bullies Reincarnated as Penguins?
Upon Closer Inspection, Swift Boat Veterans for Truth
Determine Photo of John Kerry Not Even Taken in Vietnam
Museum Officials Admit That "Days Passed" Before They
Realized Famous Painting had Been Switched with Macaulay Culkin Poster
Republicans Find New Way to Trivialize Military's Highest Award
Beautiful Romantic Beachside Wedding Photo Ruined
CBS and Dan Rather Fail to Notice Bush National Guard Memo Signed with
Tap Dancing Emoticon
Star Wars Special Edition DVD: Lucas Digitally
Replaces Unpopular Minor Character, Han Solo, With Fan Favorite Jar Jar
Binks
After 27 years
George Lucas has finally released the original Star Wars Trilogy on
DVD. Although outraged fans howled like Tusken Raiders when
the "enhanced" 1997 Special Editions of the beloved film
series were released, Lucas expects that they will be pleased with these
newly remastered versions.
"From what I understand, fans never really liked the character Han Solo." said Lucas in a recent interview. "So I decided to digitally erase him from the master prints and insert the delightfully loveable Jar Jar Binks into the role."
Purists may still be disappointed with the new revisions, but the Binks character does boost the underdeveloped role that was almost destroyed by the inept performance of a young Harrison Ford. "I really wanted to fire him after the first picture." said Lucas. "He's just such a wimpy character when compared with Luke Skywalker."
Some scenes from the films have taken on a greater depth with Jar Jar in the role. For example, the dramatic love triangle between Luke, Leia and Jar Jar is now a hilarious never-ending series of pratfalls and fart jokes. Also instead of being flash-frozen in carbonite at Cloud City, as Solo was at the end of Episode V, Binks now stumbles into a candy apple factory and trips into a vat of caramel. "Meesa Sticky-icky Goo-Goo" says Binks as Boba Fett delivers the dazed Gungan to Jabba's Palace.
Besides the addition of Jar Jar to the trilogy, the other enhancement that Lucas is most proud of is also the one he is most secretive about. "Two words," giggled Lucas. "More Ewoks!"
Assault Weapons Ban Finally Lifted, American School Children Now Able to Settle Playground Disputes Once and For All
The
1994 federal assault weapons law that prohibits the manufacture, sale and importation of certain
military-style semi-automatic assault weapons
expired on September 13th of this year. Children will now only
have to wait a short time before their parents or guardians purchase the
once banned weaponry. "I can't wait to get my hands on a
AK-47 or a UZI." said one Littleton, Colorado teen. "Klebold and
Harris just couldn't get the job done!"
Little 8 year old Henry from Cleveland, who gets picked on each day at school because of his lazy eye, was so excited he could hardly contain himself, "When I got home from school today and heard that the ban had been lifted I ran out in the back yard by my sandbox and fired 13 million rounds up into the air in celebration!"
Police expect the incidence of mass school shootings, once held in check by the assault weapons ban, to rise again the instant the guns return to the street. "This kid bumped into me the other day in the hall and scuffed my sneaker." said a Michigan 7th grader. "Tomorrow I am going to waste him as soon as he steps off the bus."
Kids in Arkansas are drawing up similar plans. "I figure if me and Tommy and Stewart set up a triangulation of fire like we use when we're playing [the videogame] Doom, then we should be able to take out the entire boys JV Basketball team at the pep rally tomorrow," said disgruntled 6th grader Jeremy as he poured over his "enemies list." "Thank God President Bush didn't lift a finger to renew the assault weapons ban. If I live to be 18, then he'll get my vote for sure!"
Barely Interesting Website Becomes Completely Boring and Monotonous
Movie
Reviewer and amateur comedy writer Alan Wiseman, has turned his
website into a tedious shrine to his newborn daughter. The cutesy
yawn-fest known as Sasha's World has become the dominant source
of new content on the once great site. Although many readers were
initially interested in Sasha's birth, no one could have imagined how
quickly the website would collapse into a constant, never-ending,
near-psychotic barrage of redundant baby pictures and trivial
developmental updates.
Former fans of the website have wanted to voice their displeasure but are unsure of how to broach the subject. "I just want to grab that stupid camera away from him and smash it into a thousand pieces!" said a fan who only wanted to be referred to as Larry F. "If I see one more picture of that dumb baby, I'm gonna puke!"
"I mean, I used to love going to the website each day for new movie information and perhaps a comedy paper or surf journal update." said a longtime fan and instructor at Ohio State University. "Now I maybe click on once a week and immediately click "back" when I see those dreaded words - 'Sasha's World Update'. I mean really, who cares if the brat smiled for the 263rd time!"
While some hold out hope that Wiseman will one day return to his brilliant film analysis, mildly amusing comedy and other slightly interesting pursuits, most believe that all is lost at projectalan.com. "It's the Titanic of websites now and it's sinking fast." said former devoted reader Grandpa Bill Johnson. "It's run headlong into a big dull iceberg named 'Sasha' and even though the band's still playing, there soon won't be anybody left who cares to listen."
